This blog has been waiting for me to contribute…to give it my all (or at least my teensy bit) for a year. Why have I not been doing it, when it is a love and passion of mine?
It’s more than writer’s block that has been holding me back. It stems from a fear. I’ve let it sit on the back-burner without a thought as I worked to figure out everyone and everything else. (It’s easy to figure them out. The others, that is. Me? A bit more effort.)
I know where this stems from, I believe. I’ve always known that it was there and it always eats away at everything I do. It finally hit me (because I’ve been opening up to it a little more each time I let it creep into my thoughts), that if I do this little (big) thing (personal blog writing) that goes against the fear…it will be like confronting it. The only way to get rid of it, is to do something big.
Let’s review the basis of the fear. (In this case it is my fear of putting my all into a personal blog.)
1 – People will know me. I have a job in which people might want to be nosy about who I am and what I think. It might provide perfect strangers with insight into my personal life…strangers that trust me with huge decisions about their children.
And then I think, so? I sometimes share personal things about myself anyway. My children, my parents, even my trouble focusing. As a matter of fact, I can’t think of a time when I was purposly holding back something I thought to share about myself because I was afraid of what they might think of me. I only remember holding back because I didn’t want them to feel as though I was obligating them to take my personal advice (about something unrelated to what the mainstream believes to contribute to school success), or because it might seem unprofessional (too familiar). But if I sat next to them on a train, with or without my family, I wouldn’t be ashamed to share any of it.
2 – My family will be on display along with my thoughts.
And yet, my thoughts are awesome. Seriously, I have trouble containing them sometimes and would get up in front of any audience and proudly share.
3 – People who I wouldn’t tell things to…will know them anyway. (The whole, “It’s none-of-your-business” thing we were raised with.)
Two scenarios come to mind. One is the few people (very few) who I don’t want in my life. Those people have wronged me in a way that was very personal and hurtful and potentially damaging. But then writing this reminds me that they weren’t trying to step on me as much as they were trying to get higher up…trying to use me as a stepping stool without caring about how their cleats dug into my skin.So, in this case, I am no longer a stool, a stone, a step. Let them see. The wounds have healed and my scars make me confident and strong. I’m standing tall.
The other scenario is safety (or lack thereof). However, I really do believe that privacy is something we imagine to a certain extent. You are able to find out all of the really important information about anyone at any time. My thoughts are just a bonus.
4 – I can’t possibly predict who will read it and what they will think.
So, then I must go with the “What other people think is none of your business.” This is really very good for me to practice. When I write emails, have conversations, put together an outfit…I try to imagine the thoughts of others. I’ve gotten very good at it, and it just happens naturally. I try to play out all the possible scenarios. It’s rather annoying, because I’d rather just *do it*. (Side note, I’ve often thought that should be my motto. Oh, I’d love to just *do* things quickly sometimes. This is probably one of the reasons my husband fascinates me. He just does and he doesn’t look back. It is a fire-starter between us at times, but I feel like I secretly admire it. Not secret anymore!)
5 – People will judge. Not, people *might* judge…no, they *will*, Who is “they”? I have no idea really. It goes right along with number 4, in a way. I cannot predict the who or the what or the how. That is why it is scary. It’s like being afraid of the dark. The scariest part is that you have no clue what *could* be lurking.
If there is anything I’ve learned about the week a friend of mine got arrested for something stupid (on his part) and huge (life-altering consequences), it is that yes, people will judge…but more importantly it doesn’t matter. My friend may or may not know it yet, but those of us who know him, support him. We may be incredibly pissed at him, want to punch him, and can’t imagine what he was thinking…BUT those of us who cared still care. Those of us (them, actually) who are judging and whispering and gossiping…well, they were probably doing that before anyway. They do that because of them, not because of him and what he did. They are feeding something inside of them every time they disguise the hurtful words about him. The feelings aren’t created by another person. They are an itch trying to find an excuse to be scratched.
SO, applied to my own life, it makes sense too. If I’m going to be judged in any way, what better way to deal with it than to make sure that the facts are out there as much as I can control? I’ve got nothing to hide, and I want to start feeling the freedom that can accompany that. I want to live the honest, pure life I (already) lead without any weights on me.
Throwing all of the fear away means throwing away the baggage. And getting rid of bags helps you move faster and feel freer. (And It’s easier to sleep on the train when you aren’t locking yourself to your luggage. At least, it is for me… but that’s a whole different story.)